Home Play - Mastering Your Sexual Energy
by Melissa St. Mari
Mastering one's sexual energy takes some practice. Whatever you train your body to do alone will make it that much easier or harder when you are with a beautiful woman in an ecstatic experience. This is why when young boys masturbate quickly for fear of being caught or out of shame, they train themselves to come quickly when they are with a female partner.
I recommend abstaining from porn for a while while mastering this practice and possibly beyond that since it tends to be overstimulating and disconnect us from our physical sensual experience, pleasure and functioning in the long run with overuse. Better to think about an experience you've had or use your imagination for self-pleasuring. Regular self-pleasuring without ejaculation builds your sexual energy and vitality increasing your charisma and attraction factor.
Women will be attracted to you like bees to honey and they will have no idea why. You will have more energy, feel more alive and be more passionate about life and the loves in your life. If you can create the time and space you could even make self pleasuring a daily ritual. All it takes is a few minutes of being with yourself and touching yourself sensually and breathing deeply.
You can move or rock your hips and make sound moving your sexual energy up through your body with your intention and imagination. Find a place where you wont be self conscious to make sound since making sound helps move sexual energy throughout your body, makes the experience of self pleasuring more pleasurable and helps you gain orgasmic and ejaculatory mastery. Why do you think us ladies make so much noise? ;)
Take a minute or longer to touch yourself everywhere on your body connecting with yourself and your felt experience. Feel where your body ends and the rest of the world begins connecting with your sensual self and your inner feminine. We all have inner feminine and masculine energetic polarities.
You can imagine your ideal feminine Goddess or dream girl. In Tantric Buddhism, monks use this as a meditation and spiritual practice to merge with the Divine. Use plenty of lubrication or oil and massage your Vadra and it's base. Vadra is the Tantric word for penis that means lightening or thunder bolt. You can massage your perineum, jewels and around the base of the jewels, along the shaft to the head, and even your belly. There are acupressure points all along your shaft and all around the base that correlate to your entire body according to Taoist Erotic Massage so it's like giving your entire body a tune up! You can release lots of tension this way and feel more relaxed in general. It is important to be relaxed to be able to master the following Big Draw practice.
The Big Draw Practice
Also described in Mantak Chia's book The Multi-Orgasmic Man and The Multi-Orgasmic Couple along with other books. Using plenty of lubrication or oil (I recommend pure coconut or olive oil) build your sexual energy while breathing deep until you feel like you could ejaculate soon but are not yet to the point of no return. If ejaculation is a 10 on a scale of 1-10 and orgasm is a 9 you want to do a Big Draw around 7 or 8. Orgasm happens at a 9 and ejaculation at 10 because they are separate events that usually happen simultaneously from rushing through the experience and one triggering the other.
What fires together wires together. However, if you can slow the whole process down you will be able to prolong your orgasm and even orgasm without ejaculating! I know this is possible for men. I've seen it many times and helped men to experience this type of full body non-ejaculatory experience which is very satisfying for a man and for the woman they are with! If you've ever been jealous of how much pleasure and how many orgasms some women can have and wondered why you got cheated in the pleasure department as a man now you know what is possible and what you've been missing out on that is attainable for you with some attention and practice. Sexuality is like a garden, with some care and attention it gives back in spades for the time and energy you put into it.
For an ecstatic tantric experience use breath, sound, intention and movement to move the sexual energy through the central channel of your body distributing it throughout your entire body. Breath deep all the way down to your perineum filling up your belly and chest and holding your breath in at the top. Hold the breath in for as long as you comfortably can gently pushing your edge to be able to hold the breath in for longer and longer periods of time. While you are holding the breath in squeeze your PC muscle and imagine the sexual energy in your genitals travelling up the center of your body to your heart and out through the crown of your head. You may want to imagine this as a color such as red to help you with the visualization.
Your PC muscle is the muscle you would be squeezing if you were to stop urine in midstream. When you are ready, exhale loud and audibly releasing through sound and relaxing any tension in your body and your PC. Do this breath three times in a row and then just relax and enjoy the heightened sensitivity of your entire body. You will notice your erection may have become a bit softer and you will feel less of a need to ejaculate. You will feel a kind of diffuse bliss and expansive relaxation through your whole body. You can end the practice there or you can continue to do The Big Draw three to five times before getting to the point of no return. Do this each time you start to get close to ejaculating.
You may decide not to ejaculate. If you don't ejaculate you shouldn't get anything like "blue balls" using this practice. You should feel good afterwards, energized and relaxed and blissful. Using this practice you will never have the experience of rolling over and falling asleep after sex or feeling tired or depleted after sex or less interested in your partner. You will be able to stay connected with your partner and continue to feel virile and in love with or without your partner present. Over time you will experience a sense of feeling in love with life. After doing a practice like this without ejaculating notice how heightened all of your senses are. Colors will be brighter, food will taste better, your sense of smell will be heightened. Take a walk in nature and just notice all of your heightened senses.
Ejaculatory Choice or Orgasmic Mastery?
by Melissa St. Mari
First i want to emphasize that i don't have a personal agenda around this. I love ejaculate and have no issues if a man wants to ejaculate. I simply feel is is good to have ejaculatory choice and reap the benefits of building ones sexual energy. You will never be shamed or made to feel bad for ejaculating around me. That being said i think it is good to be informed of the potential benefits and detriments to how we choose to use our sexual energy and vitality.
Taoist and Tantric masters have for thousands of years touted the benefits of building and transmuting sexual energy for physical health and longevity as well as spiritual power and enlightenment. Furthermore, they teach and i have seen that you can reach higher levels of ecstasy and multi-orgasmic capacity for pleasure and enjoyment this way.
However, it does take will power and like most rewarding things in life, building one's will power to gain mastery of one's sexual energy. However, this does not mean that you would never want to ejaculate. Mantak Chia is a modern day Toaist master whom i've studied with who teaches sacred sexual practices for health, longevity, and pleasure. His book The Multi-orgasmic Couple says, "Sun Ssu-miao, one of the leading physicians of ancient China, recommended that, overall a man can attain good health and longevity by ejaculating twice a month.
Sun Ssu-miao also offered more specific guidelines by which one could decide how often to ejaculate. A man of 20 can ejaculate once every four days. A man of thirty can ejaculate once every eight days. A man of forty can ejaculate once every ten days. A man of fifty can ejaculate once every twenty days. A man of sixty should not ejaculate... (Some would say even less in the environment we live in today of higher environmental toxicity and a less clean diet than in ancient China) Remember, this does not prevent you from having as many orgasms as you wish, and when you are able to orgasm without ejaculating, you will rarely long for ejaculation. You will have all the pleasure without the sense of depletion.
Nonetheless, Sun Ssu-miao's recommendations are just guidelines. The most important measure you should use to determine how often to ejaculate is how your body feels. When you ejaculate you should feel light and refreshed, invigorated not enervated. Every few years you may wish to decrease the frequency of your ejaculation, but listen to what your body tells you. And please remember, if you do ejaculate, do not beat yourself up or blame your partner. Welcome the pleasurable sensations and enjoy them. No man should become rigid or obsessed with the frequency of his ejaculations. The goal of Healing Love is not to master the practice for it's own sake but to use the practice for your overall pleasure, health, and spiritual growth."
"Easy to Follow Guide to Giving an Ecstatic
and Healing Vulva Massage"
by Melissa St. Mari
This is a comprehensive compilation of much research and study on women’s sexual response. It incorporates information from Charles and Caroline Muir’s book Freeing the Female Orgasm and information from One Taste’s Orgasmic Meditation.
It is adapted from Deborah Sundahl’s Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot book, and is primarily based on my own experience receiving vulva massage and talking with and doing hands on research with other women.
For more about my own sexual healing and ecstatic and orgasmic actualization journey pre-order my forthcoming book Next Level Sexuality; What You May Be Missing In Bed or How To Reach Your Full Ecstatic and Orgasmic Potential.
Like yoga learning tantra yoga or how to become multi-orgasmic or give an Ecstatic Healing Vulva Massage from a book or from this pdf can be challenging to say the least. This is because these practices are energy transmission based and passed down from teacher to student in person. For example, a teacher who is multi-orgasmic can more easily teach their student to become multi-orgasmic. I highly recommend working with a skilled Tantra Yoga Teacher in person to master these practices and actualize your full ecstatic potential.
This is a great place to start with exploring any woman’s sexual response. Keep in mind that every woman and every woman’s sexual response is unique and complex. The most important thing is to listen to what she wants and needs. A woman’s body is sacred space so approach with awareness and reverence and always ask permission. Clear and open communication is sexy!
The Supporter’s Role (If you are giving Vulva massage to someone else)
As the supporter your job is to:
Provide a warm room, a comfortable bed, soft lighting, and a quiet distraction free environment (relaxing music that you have selected and burned to CD as a gift for the Goddess is also nice)
Ask permission before touching and then again when progressing into any more intimate levels of touch.
For example, can I touch your back?
I would like to massage your breasts.
Are you ready for me to massage your vulva?
May i enter your sacred space (i.e. Vulva)
Let go of any agenda you may have and let her desire lead the experience!
Initially, touch the entire body lovingly without focusing on the breasts or genitals. Ask her if she would like harder or softer pressure. Let her know she can ask for what she wants and you are there for her without any goals or agenda.
"If one should worship the yoni bowing trice with a flower all karmas destroyed and nothing in the three worlds becomes unattainable."
Describing Yoni Puja from The Tantras
Focus your attention on your partner and be 100% present for her. This is a sensual meditation practice which means you are not "in your head" thinking about other things like where you would like this experience to go or if you are doing it "right". Listen with your hands, your whole being and your intuition. Pay attention to her facial expressions and nonverbal communication and respond to that.
Give freely of yourself. This means you are truly giving without expecting anything in return. You are giving to give, not to receive or to validate your ego. You are giving what is asked for and what is truly desired by the receiver and not just want you most want to give.
Each woman's physiology and psychology is entirely unique so ask questions and listen closely. Practice superb listening skills in receiving guidance in exactly what the receiver would like to receive. Ask for guidance and clarification if you are not sure you understand. For example asking harder or softer or how does this feel?
Don’t take anything personally even if her words seem to be directed at you. Let go of being sensitive about if you are doing it right or not. Basically, get your ego out of the way so that you can truly listen and be there for another human being in such an intimate and vulnerable way. This is important because a lot can come up in a vulva healing session including anger, fear, tears, etc..
It is about her process and your role is to hold space for her to go through that process in whatever way she needs to. Vulva massage, especially internal massage, can be very emotional for a woman and you need to be able to create a comfortable space for her genuine experience and expression. Sometimes intense anger or tears can come up to be released and moved through so that healing and more feeling and pleasure can happen. Make time after the session to process your feelings alone and with her if needed.
Listen to and acknowledge her with genuine feedback that reflects back to her what she has just told you and validates her experience. (This is based on Reflective Listening or NVC, Non Violent and Compassionate Communication. It would be good to go over this format together so that you are comfortable with it beforehand)
Look into her eyes and help her to remember that you are totally present there for her without an agenda.
Remind her to breathe and breathe with her. Feel your body and be aware of your own body and present to your own sensations so that you can listen to her nonverbal communication with your entire body and your hands. Send healing energy from your heart down and out your hands and into her Vulva healing and opening any stuck, painful or numb places with love.
The art of helping a woman open up sexually is making her feel safe and keeping her wanting more not less of what you are doing. You never want to overwhelm her which could shut her down altogether. You want to tease her and make her want more. As a woman relaxes and opens she may or may not become aroused but she will often make more sound and move toward you rather than away, breath heavier, redden in complexion, arch her body and open her mouth. Look for subtle signs of wanting more or less of what you are doing. Signs that something may be too much may be wincing, pulling away, frowning, tightening muscles, and not responding. When in doubt, ask.
When touching her breasts, touch around the outside of the breasts before touching the nipple, especially about an inch or so from the nipple. Ask her what type of pressure she likes for nipple stimulation, how hard or soft before touching the nipple. Start nipple stimulation as soft as a feather or softer. More intense stimulation is usually reserved for when a woman is highly aroused and that is not necessarily the goal of this experience but could happen.
Go slow. Slow is sensual. Sometimes stillness is the most powerful. Use slow deep circular movements for vulva massage interspersed with stillness. Slow deep circles help the body to open and unwind especially the Vulva. There are many important pressure point around the outside and inside of the vulva so using the pads of your pointer and index fingers to direct pointed pressure can be useful.
Start with slow deep circles on the Mount of Venus, the area with pubic hair above the vulva which can most likely tolerate deeper pressure than the more delicate parts of the vulva. The left side of the Vulva is generally more responsive in women and centimeters away from the clitoris on the left side of the Mount of Venus is a spot that can unlock the entire energy system to more orgasmic response. If you find a painful or numb spot be still, use firm pressure, and encourage her to breath through the sensation and express with sound.
After massaging the Mound of Venus thoroughly continue down the outer lips of the vulva then massage the bottom opening on the left side at the same time you massage her mound of Venus directly next to her clitoris with your other hand. Be aware of the proximity to her clitoris and how much pressure she prefers through her non-verbal and verbal communication. Ask her if you are unsure.
At this point she may be open to feather light touch directly to her clitoris or deeper touch next to it. Circular strokes around, above, or on her clitoris may work best. Continue circular strokes on or near her opening area with your other hand as women often respond to simultaneous synchronistic stimulation.
For most women the upper left side of the clitoris is a major hot spot as it has more nerve endings than anywhere else on the entire body. Use very light touch and pressure to stroke this area directly unless she requests otherwise. The pressure should be about the same as touching an eyeball. Very light.
This may be a good time to use lubrication on and around her clitoris and her opening. Depending on how relaxed and open and responsive she appears this may be a good time to ask her if she would like internal massage. If not go back to what you were doing. Some women may need several external healing experiences before internal work. At some point you may try speeding up or slowing down and giving more or less pressure to see what she prefers.
If she is ready for internal work make sure you have enough lubrication and go in slow and gently using only one pointer finger initially and find the G-spot. The G-spot is on the upper roof of the vulva and feels rough to the touch and if she is aroused it will be swollen. It can be good to give pressure and strokes here and on either side of the G-spot. Use slow deep strokes and hold any tense or painful places encouraging her to breath into them and release them with sound. Remember to breath and feel your own body and be aware of her non-verbal communication.
There are important pressure points everywhere outside and inside the vulva which connect to places throughout the body. Give pressure with your finger and hand going clockwise and counterclockwise to find spots that need more attention, pressure, and holding. She may want more pressure than you may think. Ask her. This practice can relax her entire body and put her in an altered state of bliss and ecstasy after any painful or numb places have been worked out. Eventually it will allow her to feel more pleasure during penetration and become more orgasmic and ecstatic generally. My partner says I am made of pleasure and he can turn me back into pleasure. :)
Women generally hold tension in this area of this body and Ecstatic Healing Vulva Massage can be a great release that every woman needs regularly especially if she feels shut down sensually or sexually. Try different depths within the vulva with this practice, an inch in, two inches etc. When moving on to a new spot even just a fraction of a centimeter can be powerful. Go slowly and tune in.
To bring pleasure to numb or painful places inside the vulva it can be good to simultaneously give stimulation to the Mound of Venus on the left side of the clitoris or even directly to the clitoris. You can energetically connect the G-spot or any spot inside with the clitoris which can feel amazing for her.
If a woman wants faster touch at some point which leads to orgasm this is fine to provide at that time but is not the focus of a healing massage. In fact, moving too quickly toward orgasm can short circuit the profound ecstatic possibilities of the practice. Does she want to move toward orgasm quickly because she wants to please you or is uncomfortable receiving? If you suspect so then that may be something that needs to be addressed. Encourage her to breath the energy through her body and use breath and sound to allow the energy to build.
Periodically during vulva massage use one hand to stroke other parts of her body and spread the sexual energy through her entire body. For example, her heart, inner thighs, and belly are nice to stroke while giving vulva massage.
When it is time to end the Ecstatic Vulva Healing Massage hold points in stillness in or on the vulva and also on the body while perhaps doing some energy work and or saying some blessings or prayers internally or aloud. Depending on your relationship with the woman you may want to spend some time cuddling and talking, allowing her time to come back from her altered state. You may want to hold her feet or do some gentle body work or energy work or even guided meditation for grounding.
If you are beloveds you may both choose to make love afterwards as penetration may be more ecstatic for a woman after vulva massage. However, sex should never be expected after a healing session. She will most likely be more ecstatic or orgasmic in the future from the attention you have given to her sexual healing and she will certainly be very grateful for such amazing space holding and sacred masculine energy which you have given her unconditionally. May all people be healed sexually and experience their full ecstatic and orgasmic nature!
In Love and Service,
Melissa St. Mari